pregnancy and nearness

This pregnancy has been a dream. With my first two I would have never used the word dream . Stuff like insomnia, muscle aches, back pain, weight gain all added up for me wanting the baby OUT and wanting it to all be over when i hit about thirty weeks. 

There is a lot I've done differently to contribute to this pregnancy being so easy and vibrant and almost nonexistent feeling (which i will save for another post), but I'm just grateful for the gift of ease the Lord has sent, seeing how I started out so fearful of being pregnant again with two little ones under foot.

I'm in my third trimester, about 32 weeks along, and at my latest appointment my doctor said they found positive antibodies in my blood. He referred me over to a perinatologist and I am currently being monitored every two weeks to make sure my blood isn't depleting my baby's red blood cells which could cause fetal anemia.

I've never had to think about risks when it comes to my pregnancies. And while there is nothing currently wrong, there is something in me that just wants someone to GUARANTEE  me no issues to pop up in the future.   

​I pulled out of my first sonogram appointment, called josh to tell him everything looks good for now, but felt an unrest inside of me with the "for now" portion of the statement. Searching out why the unrest was there, I decided I was disappointed because I was hoping they would give me the free and clear and tell me i didn't ever have to worry about any problems. You know, so I can stop having it in the back of my mind that something might go wrong at any point in these last weeks.

But it hit me that what I was really wanting was a free ticket to get out of trusting the Lord's plan for good. 

It led me to think stuff like - why am I uncomfortable with standing in the limbo of things being healthy today but possibly not being in two weeks? In reality, even with a completely healthy report there is still always a possibility of problems because we live in a broken world. The only thing holding bodies and pregnancies and space and time together are the mercies of the Lord. 

I'm finding that even with a completely risk free pregnancy trusting Him doesn't ever end. Its not something I am ever going to have to stop doing. No report is going to make go away the work of committing my anxiousness to him.  And Psalm 73:28 tells me this is a good place to be. 

The nearness of God is my good.

It doesn't say a problem free life is my good, or completely healthy reports, or full bank accounts, or breezy schedules. The nearness of God is my highest good, my deepest real joy. And this is not something I should try to sneak away from or get out from under with good doctor reports and healthy vitals.

If his nearness is my highest good, then I should desire His nearness more than my comforts and ease. And if the nearness comes as I have to constantly work the muscle of trust, over and over again ( even tho its sore and tired) - let it be. 

I'm holding on to this baby belly, smiling at each kick and jolt inside of me, hoping for the future to meet a healthy baby, but mostly holding on to the beautiful truths from the hymn we all know:

"the Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures.
He will my sheild and portion be
As long as life endures"

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